A radical act of courage

Too many leaders—even famous ones— lack the courage to be disliked. (I am reading Jon Meacham’s Bio of Thomas Jefferson and realizing that even he is an example.) “Leading to be liked” is a major problem in leadership. Humans are wired for belonging and have an innate fear about being disliked, yet our greatest strength and our most profound freedom comes with the embrace of the possibility of disapproval.

Desire for approval is a trap. To protect our “likeability” we give in, we refuse to say no, we may even violate our core values to embark on this unwinnable quest. When the approval of others drives our work, others drive our work. We cede control to them.

When the approval of others drives our work, others drive our work.

Yet even when we focus on being liked above all else, we fail. No matter how kind, agreeable and careful you are, someone will still dislike you. You cannot please everyone. Worse, the reason they dislike you may have more to do with them (jealousy or fear, for example) than you.

Leaders who work only to avoid being disliked betray themselves. They find themselves in unfulfilling jobs, empty relationships and inauthentic roles. They disconnect who they are from who they pretend to be and often find themselves mired in anxiety, resentment, and even depression. Living for the approval of others is exhausting. Unwise. Unsustainable.

True freedom comes when you no longer need to be liked to feel worthy. Being liked by others is their problem, not yours. Followers of stoicism divide what they control from what they can’t and attempt to earn more control when they can. Ceding control is a loser’s game. Don’t worry about what you can’t control.  Lao Tzu told us, “Care about what other people think and you will always be their prisoner.”

Being liked by others is their problem, not yours.

In a brilliant book, Deep Change, Robert Quinn issues one of my favorite quotes of all:

“…to survive, organizations need leaders who take risks and who care enough to die for the organization. Most organizations have few such people. When these leaders emerge, they usually have a vision, and their behavior reflects a transformational paradigm. They are self-authorizing and often follow unconventional methods that are based on moral principles rather than organizational pressures.”                                                                                               

Self-authorizing leaders, with clear core values and strong moral principles, do not need approval to do the right thing.

With input from all constituents, with a team built to speak truth to power, with an alarming openness to constructive criticism, transformative determined leaders set the course.

They recognize that not everyone will agree or like the course—they may even lose some people for standing by their values.  Those that remain will achieve a shared vision that changes their world profoundly for the better.

Having the courage to be disliked is to understand that your value is not contingent on how others perceive you. The goal isn't to be disliked—it is to live your values, even if that means criticism. This is the path to self-respect and peace—far more valuable than someone else’s opinion.

Food for thought:

Would you rather be respected for who you are or liked for who you’re not?