Dump the Bucket

One of the hardest things for me to learn as an executive coach was to stop trying to help.

A leader would come into a coaching session carrying a problem. They were frustrated, angry, anxious, confused, or overwhelmed. They would start telling me what had happened, and almost immediately my mind would begin working. I knew a piece of research that might be relevant. I had an idea about what they could do. I could see a pattern. I wanted to ask a question that would move us toward a solution.

In other words, I wanted to fix it. What I have learned instead is that sometimes the first thing people need is to dump the bucket.

When someone arrives in an emotional state, there is usually a lot in that bucket: what happened, what somebody said, what they should have said, what they wished they had said, what they are afraid might happen next, and all the other thoughts and feelings that have accumulated around the situation. If we interrupt that process because we are eager to be useful, we may actually make it harder for the person to think and to reach an emotional state where they are capable of hearing. Sometimes, the best we can do is to sit and listen. And sometimes, for a long time.

Sometimes, the best we can do is to sit and listen. And sometimes, for a long time.

Often, if allowed, the person will speak for several minutes without stopping. When they finally do, we often want to jump in and offer solutions. Sadly, that is rarely the best move. This is where a “bucket-dumping” question can come in handy: “Wow. That is tough. What else about that is bothering you?” Or, “Is there anything else you need to get out?”

The point of those questions isn't to gather information to come up with a better solution. The point is to make sure the bucket is actually empty.

This is an idea that resonates strongly in Mark Goulston's excellent book Just Listen. Goulston makes the case that people often need to feel heard before they are capable of really hearing someone else. His book is full of techniques for helping people get past the emotional barriers that keep them from listening. I have found the same thing to be true in leadership. I call it “dumping the bucket.”

There is a noticeable difference between helping someone still carrying an emotional load and helping someone who has been given the space to put it down.

There is a noticeable difference between helping someone still carrying an emotional load and helping someone who has been given the space to put it down. Once the bucket is empty, everything changes. Our colleagues can distinguish what actually happened from what they are telling themselves about what happened. They can begin to see other people's perspectives. They can consider their own contribution to the situation. They can think about what they want rather than simply what they are angry about. And then we can have a conversation.

That conversation may eventually involve research. It may involve strategies, possibilities, difficult feedback, or a plan of action. But none of that needs to happen immediately. The discipline is in resisting the urge to fix.

And here is the funny thing. I have known this for some time. I still stink at it. For many leaders, especially men, the urge to fix is strong. Someone brings us a problem, and our instinct is to do something about it. We want to make it better, make it go away, make the person feel better. We want to fix the damn thing. Just take Lennon's advice. Let it be.

take Lennon's advice. Let it be.

Next time someone storms into your office in an angst-laden whirl, avoid the instinct to explain, defend, correct, reassure, or solve. It may feel like helping. Or simply trying to get the discomfort to stop. Instead, let them dump the bucket. Listen. Don't interrupt. Don't interrogate. Don't defend. Don't formulate your response while they are talking. And when they appear to be finished, make sure they really are. Ask, “What else?” Then listen again.

You may discover that the conversation you were preparing to have wasn't the conversation they needed to have. And once they have dumped the bucket, you may find that they are finally ready to have the conversation you both need.

You got this.