The Disarming Power of the empathetic response

When it comes to actually executing change, sadly, facts won't matter. When people are in pain or fearful or angry, they cannot relate to data. (We see this in the political arena on a daily basis).

People often say they need to be heard but it is actually more than that. They need to feel heard.

Until they feel heard they will fight with all they have. In a typical change situation, it goes something like this:

“You have destroyed my [environment, department, life, etc.]!”

“The data shows X.”

“You destroyed my [environment, department, life, etc.]!”

“The data also shows Y.”

“You destroyed my [environment, department, life, etc]!”

"Did I mention that the data shows X?”

People in pain can neither hear nor respond to data. Yet they do respond to empathy and feeling heard.

“You have destroyed my [environment, department, life]!”

“I am so sorry for your pain. I know these are frightening times for you and I want you to know we are committed to addressing your concerns.”

“But what about my [environment, department, life]!”

“I can only imagine what you are feeling right now. Grieving is a process, and leadership is only a few weeks ahead of you in that process. I know this will take time. These were incredibly difficult decisions made in the best interest of our organization. Thank you for your courage in this painful time.”

Silence.

A soft answer turneth away wrath and data-driven answers increase it. The key is to drop the data in softly.

In response to the predictable reaction, We must be a bottomless well of empathy and benevolence.

No matter how many times they come at us, no matter how vitriolic their attacks, we must exude empathy and benevolence. It is the key to acceptance of change. If we respond to harsh comments harshly, we increase the heat. Our goal here is to bring light not heat.

But

Finally, the word “but” coming from power is read as: "everything before the “but” is not true." I encourage leaders to avoid the word altogether.

“I feel your pain and am sorry for you, but the cuts were necessary and your productivity was too low”

will be heard as

“The cuts were necessary and your productivity too low.”

“I am sorry you are angry, but this was the right decision”

will be heard as

“I don’t care if you are angry, this was the right decision.”

Better to replace it with “and” or avoid the word altogether.

“I feel your pain and am sorry for you. In time, I believe people will see that these changes were necessary.”

“I am sorry you are angry, and this decision was a difficult, necessary one to make.”

These are hard days in the finite game but in the infinite game, we will benefit from the results of bold leadership and forget the pain. Do you have any idea how we survived the first Covid19 (in 1919)? No, but we know we survived.

Structure your answers to avoid the “but.” Think empathy and benevolence.

Bring light, not heat.

You are the leader we need in challenging times. Keep the faith.