Listen up

Leadership training usually includes listening skills development because listening skills are required for good leadership (and in very short supply).  Our last several blog posts on dialogue have focused on the power of punctuation and the effectiveness of question marks, in part, because they give us the opportunity to listen. Too many conversations are viewed as an opportunity to espouse our own views and most leaders are experts in sharing their own opinions. Yet Epictetus reminded us that “We have two ears and one mouth so that we can listen twice as much as we speak.” Strong wisdom there.

A leader I worked with noted that people often complained to him that they were not being heard yet he was actually listening to everything they said. As we worked through this, he realized that being heard is necessary, but not sufficient. People need more than to be heard. His people were heard but still unhappy. People need more than to be heard. They need to feel heard, and these two things are radically different. Too many leaders miss this vital distinction.

Inexperienced leaders often talk more than they listen. Experienced leaders listen. Transformative leaders listen in a way that makes others feel heard as the key to successful team building and change.

Inexperienced leaders often talk more than they listen. They are not interested in the collective wisdom, they simply want to espouse their viewpoint. Experienced leaders realize that they must listen and allot time to do so. (Whether they hear them is another thing altogether). Transformative leaders realize that it is not simply the act of listening that matters—it is bigger than that. Listening in a way that makes others feel heard is the key to successful team building and change.

Feeling heard fulfills a fundamental human need for connection and validation. When someone feels truly heard, it signals that their thoughts, emotions, and experiences are valued and acknowledged. This recognition fosters a sense of belonging and respect and is a masterful team-over-task move.

Feeling heard requires active engagement in which the listener prioritizes understanding over responding. This subtle difference shifts the dynamic from self-centered communication to a mutual exchange of empathy and trust.

So how do we make others feel heard?

• Listen to understand and only to understand. Don’t think about replies or similar stories or your own biography.

• Look intently at the speaker. Eye contact shows attention and interest wordlessly.

• Limit verbalizations to affirming sounds and words until the speaker is finished. Interruptions destroy the flow and the connection.

• Consistently use gestures and body language that show your engagement.

  Effective communication is ~ 70% body language.

• Summarize what they have said back to them so they know what you heard.

Even if the ultimate decision goes against them, a person that feels heard will accept the outcome more readily because they know their entire viewpoint was understood. Further, teamship will suffer less when all feel heard.

Try it. The next meeting you walk into, follow Covey's advice and seek first to understand. Go in with the intention of making the other person feel heard. Listen as if your life depended on it--let them see the work you are putting into actively listening. Summarize what they told you.

Watch the change you have wrought over time. Your team will be stronger than ever and enjoy meeting to talk to you. How many leaders can say that?