Mind the Gap

The cliches around leadership are powerful and plentiful. And often misleading. “Hide your emotions,” “Keep a stiff upper lip,” “Don’t ever let them see you sweat,” “Be a FEARLESS leader.” These are all well-intentioned and dangerous. They seem to be warning about appearing to be weak when we need strong leadership.

But strong leadership is human leadership—it shows just the right touch of resolve and concern, of strength and vulnerability. When done well, it inspires confidence and trust.

This is not to say we should freely share every thought. Brené Brown warns us about oversharing and there are legitimate reasons be careful when sharing our feelings. Careers can be undone by oversharing vulnerability in moments of crisis.

Feelings are powerful. They shape the way we experience the world, the tone of our relationships, and the choices we make each day. The key is to own and take responsibility for our emotions rather than simply reacting to them in real time.

"Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom."

Leadership is hard and can often be highly stressful. In the heat of a moment, we may feel like the other person “made” us angry, or frustrated, or defensive. I was often guilty of saying, “this person made me mad” or “what they said upset me.” But here’s the catch: only I control my emotional state—no one else. Others may influence it, but we decide how we interpret our emotions and, most importantly, respond to them.  Viktor Frankel taught us, "Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom." As we learn to harness the power of that space or gap, we control our emotions rather that the other way around.

It’s really kind of simple. “Own your emotions or they own you.”

It’s really kind of simple. “Own your emotions or they own you.”

Owning our feelings starts with awareness of them. Instead of autopilot, pause and name what you feel—“I’m anxious,” “I’m jealous,” “I’m hopeful”—that opens the gap between the emotion and your reaction and that gap is where choice lives. Instead of being dragged around by our emotions, we choose how to respond to them.

The second step is responsibility. Owning your feelings doesn’t mean blaming yourself for every emotional wave—it means refusing to outsource accountability. When we say, “You make me so angry,” we hand over our power. When we reframe it as, “I feel angry when this happens,” we reclaim agency. You can’t control every circumstance, but you can control your response to it.

Transformative leaders think of feelings as data, not destiny. Emotions carry information: anxiety may point to something that matters, frustration may signal a need for boundaries, joy may highlight where you thrive. When you treat feelings as signals instead of shackles, they guide you toward growth instead of steering you into uncontrolled reactivity and negativity.

If you don’t own your feelings, they own you. They dictate your tone in meetings, your patience at home, and your energy throughout the day. Worse, unacknowledged feelings don’t disappear—they leak out in sarcasm, passive-aggression, burnout, or resentment.

In London, the subway has a space between the train and the platform. Every time the Tube stops, a voice says, “Mind the gap!” Great advice. So the next time you feel your emotions rising, mind the gap. Name the feeling. Own it. Then decide how you want to respond. It’s not about denying emotion—it’s about directing it.

“Mind the gap!”

The less your emotions drive you, the more you drive your life. This week, when you feel emotions rising, stop and reflect. Practice naming them and, “mind the gap!”