The Power of Punctuation

This is the first in a series of blog posts about achieving success through productive dialogue. I have discussed the “power of punctuation” with many of the leaders I work with to remarkable success. Often, they will tell me of a successful exchange in which they utilized the power of punctuation or of a failure that would have benefitted from it. I always laugh as I tell them that I know exactly how they feel—I am still learning to utilize this power regularly myself and it is easy to remember too late!

Ever watch how conversations/arguments are had? I remain amazed at how similar they are—regardless of subject matter or discipline. Typically, person A thinks “A” and person B thinks “B” and the battle is joined. But A is too busy promoting “A” to even hear B, while B is too busy promoting “B” to even hear A. Force meets force and the struggle continues.

The martial art "Jujutsu," ("yielding-art") refuses to meet force with force and instead dissipates the opponent's force. We can apply this method verbally with similar success. To do so requires a careful consideration of punctuation. When walking into such a conversation, consider using only sentences that end in question marks (or periods if a question won’t work), never exclamation points. In heated situations, people often speak in exclamation marks. If we respond in kind, we end up with a lot of heat in the room. In most situations, it is better to bring light, not heat, so “only question marks, no exclamation points,” can be very effective.

A typical argument can look like this:

“We must do A!”

“We can’t do A, B is our only choice!”

“We must do A or there will be hell to pay!!”

“Only a fool would do A—B is the only wise option!!”

“LET ME SHOUT AT YOU WHY A IS GREAT!!!”

“I CAN’T HEAR YOU BECAUSE I AM SHOUTING AT YOU WHY B IS GREAT!!!”

(and it devolves from there)

What if instead we had:

“We must do A or there will be hell to pay!!”

“What is it about A that convinces you it is our only choice?”

“We must do A!”

“I understand that you believe that, tell me more.”

(dissipating steam) “Okay, I think A is right because of this and that.”

“What brought you to this and that? What evidence is available? Can you share it with me?”

(totally at peace) “Sure I can—I’d love to. Thank you for hearing me out.”

(and it improves from there)

What a massive difference punctuation makes. When we respond in kind it requires the other person to take it up a notch to overcome our energy. When we respond in kind again, they must take it up another notch and this will continue until we can’t take it anymore. If, however, we replace our exclamation points with question marks, the angst in the room dissipates; we contribute to the “shared pool of knowledge,” and we work toward a solution. I have found that even if we do not ultimately agree with what is being proposed, people will accept it because they know they have been heard.

“Fight fire with fire” is bad advice in most discussions, while “fight exclamation points with question marks” often leads to a successful outcome.

So try this: Prepare for your next meeting by writing out a list of questions you might ask instead of points you might make.

Tell yourself "no exclamation points" and strive for only questions. Let me know what happens.

PS The quality of the question matters, though, and that will be the subject of our next post.