WAITING For THE WOrLD to change

John Mayer had a big hit called "Waiting For the World to Change." Over and over it repeats, "We keep waiting..." And nothing happens. Spot on.

But it doesn't have to be that way.

Several years ago, I was asked to the office of a successful leader to talk about a coaching engagement. I was surprised that this person would be open to coaching. He was highly successful, had reached a significant leadership position, and had a great deal of confidence in his abilities.

When I arrived, I was escorted into his office. He was talking on his cell phone, to someone else on a Zoom call, and to his executive assistant about a third problem. I sat quietly while he moved among these conversations, waiting for my turn.

Eventually, he got to me. We started talking, but the conversation was repeatedly interrupted by one of the other things happening in the room. It was not exactly a model of focused executive attention. He explained that he wanted me to work with one of the leaders who reported to him and I was on my way.

The person he asked me to coach turned out to be terrific (I’ll call him Steve). He had natural leadership ability, a good understanding of people, and a genuine desire to become a better leader. As we worked together, though, he began to talk about one of his biggest challenges: managing up.

Steve’s boss was extremely difficult to manage. It was hard to get his attention, hard to keep him focused, and hard to accomplish much in one-on-one meetings. The meetings were chaotic and unproductive. As he described them, I couldn't help but think about my own meeting with his boss. They sounded remarkably similar.

Months later, Steve told me that something had changed. His meetings with his boss had become shorter and more focused. They were accomplishing more in less time, and he was getting much more out of their conversations. I remember wondering if his boss had gotten a coach. Had someone finally figured out how to work a miracle?

Eventually, I met another person who reported to the same boss and asked him about his meetings. Were they focused? They were not. They were just as chaotic as they had ever been. And I began to understand what had happened.

There was no epiphany or grand confrontation, no lecture about leadership.

The boss had not fundamentally changed. He changed only for Steve. Why? Because he had seen Steve’s change. There was no epiphany or grand confrontation, no lecture about leadership. There was no demand that the boss change behavior. There was simply a different person sitting across the table from him. The boss changed his game for Steve.

Steve had stopped waiting for his boss to conduct better meetings. Instead, he decided that he was going to conduct better meetings. He became more focused. He became clearer about what he wanted to accomplish. He gave what he needed. And the boss noticed.

Steve had stopped waiting for his boss.

Steve had come to recognize that the only thing we can surely change is ourselves. And by changing himself, he changed the world around him.

Waiting for someone to change and modeling the change are two very different things. This is what I saw in the relationship between Steve and his boss. Steve couldn't make his boss change. But he could change his own behavior, his own expectations, his own preparation, his own approach to his meetings. Rather than worry about what he could not control, he could be better for his team. And when he did, his boss changed, too.

Waiting for someone to change and modeling the change are two very different things.

It brings me back to the idea from last week's post. If we want something from the people around us, perhaps instead of, “Why aren't they giving it to me?” perhaps it could be, “Am I giving it?”

If we want trust, give trust. If we want understanding, give understanding. If we want better communication, communicate better. If we want focused meetings, lead focused meetings. If we want a better boss, perhaps we should begin by becoming a better leader for others to work for.

The only thing we can surely change is ourselves, and when we do that, we change the world.

Far better than waiting.

The only thing we can surely change is ourselves, and when we do that, we change the world.