Why we don’t (and how to get past that.)

The past two blog posts have gone from “How would they know?” to “How to let them know” and these posts have prompted a lot of discussion. We have admitted that most leaders already know the conversation they need to have. We know the expectation that has not been made clear and the frustration we have been carrying. Deep down we know that the behavior we have been tolerating will not magically correct itself. And yet we still avoid the conversation. Why?

We mentioned that sometimes it is fear of conflict. We tell ourselves we are “keeping the peace,” but often we are simply postponing discomfort. We imagine the conversation will damage the relationship or create tension we do not want to manage. So instead of speaking clearly, we hint. We withdraw. We become irritated. We silently rewrite expectations in our own minds and then grow frustrated when others fail to meet standards we never actually expressed.

Other times, time is the issue.

Clear communication takes effort. It requires stopping, explaining, clarifying, and following up. Many leaders would rather hope people simply “pick it up” than carve out the time to teach, coach, or correct. (But mind reading is not in the job description.)

But the time we thought we saved avoiding spending upfront often is multiplied later in reworked projects, strained relationships, missed expectations, and growing resentment. The conversation we avoided for fifteen minutes eventually costs us fifteen hours.

Still other times, the reason runs even deeper.

Sometimes, We avoid correction because we know we are imperfect ourselves.

We avoid correction because we know we are imperfect ourselves. “Who am I to say something? I struggle too. Won’t this make me a hypocrite?”

Leadership was never reserved for perfect people. If perfection were the requirement, nobody would be qualified to lead. Your team does not need you to be flawless. They need you to be clear. Correction does not require superiority—it requires responsibility.

In fact, some of the most trustworthy leaders are the ones who can say:“I am working on this too. But this still matters.”

Leadership was never reserved for perfect people. If perfection were the requirement, nobody would be qualified to lead.

So how do we move past the fear?

First, stop treating every difficult conversation like a major confrontation. Most feedback does not require a speech. It simply requires clarity delivered calmly and early.

“The report was late.”“I need more communication before deadlines slip.”“When you interrupted her, it changed the tone of the meeting.” Small corrections made early prevent painful corrections later.

Second, separate correction from condemnation. Address the behavior without attacking the person. Good leaders learn to say, “This needs to improve” without communicating “You are a failure.”

And finally, remember this: avoiding the conversation does not remove the problem. It simply transfers the cost onto everyone else including the coworker compensating for unresolved behavior, the employee who never receives clear direction and the culture that slowly learns honesty is avoided here.

avoiding the conversation does not remove the problem. It simply transfers the cost onto everyone else.

Clear communication may create temporary discomfort but avoided communication creates ongoing confusion and destroys your culture. We have gone from “How would they know?” to “How to let them know.” Hopefully, we have explained and eliminated several of the reasons we don’t.  

So what conversation will you be having this week?