Three Tactics for Hard conversations

Most people avoid difficult conversations at all costs—it is easier to bury our heads in the sand than to face conflict. They know it can be lonely and frightening when approaching a hard conversation. But transformative leaders don’t shy away from difficult conversations. They know that difficult conversations can build trust and that the world moves at the speed of trust. High-trust environments are high-speed environments; low-trust environments are low-speed environments; no-trust environments are stuck. As leaders we do nothing more important than earn trust.

As leaders we do nothing more important than earn trust.

In my work, leaders regularly bring up the need for a difficult conversation and how to prepare for it. Here are three tactics that yield remarkable success for the courageous leader willing to have the difficult conversation.

Start with Yes

Once someone has finally screwed up the courage to have the difficult conversation, it is not uncommon  to “come in hot.” Our anxiety leads straight to the disagreement and we start with something like,  “Thanks for coming in today. I called you in to share with you my concern about X.” Or, “I think you are wrong about X and I want to warn you away from it…” The courage these leaders are showing is admirable, yet starting with the disagreement is going to make the conversation long and difficult.

We are much more likely to be successful when we start with “Yes.” Starting with the things we agree on makes the entire conversation easier. “I know you have put a lot of time into X and I am very appreciative. I think we both share the value of Y and I see you striving toward that. Thank you.” Comparing these two paragraphs sets these approaches in bold relief. You can see how success is much more likely when we start with "yes." Find the things you agree on. Start the conversation from there.

Replace statements with questions

This blog has many posts about the power of the question mark. Simply changing our statement to a question can have a profound effect and significantly increase the likelihood of success. Consider the difference:

Statement: “The change you’re suggesting will lead to a massive decrease in sales!”Question: “Do you have concerns about how this change might impact sales?”

Statement: “Your actions reflect poorly on you—you shouldn’t have said that in the meeting.”

Question: “What was your goal in the meeting?”

Combining these two tactics can be even more effective:

“I appreciate your willingness to speak up in the meeting. [starting with yes]. What were you hoping to achieve? [questions instead of statements.]

The third tactic

The third tactic can be difficult for determined leaders: avoid immediately staking a position. If I stake my position: “X is a bad idea!” then the only way for you to abandon X is to admit I am right and you are wrong. VERY few people are willing to do that. If instead, I simply ask the right questions starting from yes, you may come to realize that there is a better idea than X. When you do, you can adopt that idea without losing the argument.

These are three simple tactics that require the same skill. Patience. Too often we act as if we want patience, and we want it right now! It is that lack of patience that leads us to start with the disagreement, stake our position, and make bold, declarative statements. Even when we are right, we are rarely successful. Learn to utilize these three tactics instead and, like many transformative leaders, you can utilize them to great success. It just takes a little patience.

Difficult conversations are never easy, but they are where leaders earn trust, build alignment, and create high-speed, high-impact environments.

Difficult conversations are never easy, but they are where leaders earn trust, build alignment, and create high-speed, high-impact environments. By starting with “yes,” asking questions instead of making statements, and resisting the urge to stake a hard position, you give others the space to engage, reflect, and arrive at better solutions. Trust grows, relationships strengthen, and your influence multiplies—all because you had the courage to lead where it’s hardest.

So next time you are facing a difficult conversation, prepare by listing the things you agree on —start with yes. Write out what you want to say and change the statements to questions. Then determine your position without stating it. Ask the questions that lead to that position.

You got this.