Welcome to the Grand Illusion

That song reference keeps running through my head when I think about a meeting I observed. I have no doubt the leader genuinely wanted to do the right thing. In fact, that is precisely what made the meeting so fascinating. The conversation wasn't remarkable because of the issues being discussed. It was remarkable because it exposed one of the most common—and least recognized—traps in leadership.

The CEO believed he was listening. The young employees in the room believed they were not being heard. Both could honestly leave the meeting believing they were right. It was a grand illusion.

It seemed like a productive conversation.

It wasn't.

What was going on here? First of all, the power differential was striking—an experienced CEO and a bunch of young recent hires. It is always difficult to speak truth to power. What about when there is a massive power differential?

To the CEO's credit, he repeatedly invited feedback. He asked questions. He encouraged them to speak. On the surface, this looked like exactly the kind of open communication leadership books encourage.

It wasn't.

In real time, each employee statement was immediately followed by an explanation/excuse. A former coach of mine called this the 3D—defend, deny, destroy. Scheduling conflicts created from above became lessons in planning. Conflicting instructions delivered from above became lessons to “always follow your CEO.” Expressions of frustration were met with explanations of intentions. The employees were free to speak, but their explanations were not allowed to stand. They were immediately denied and destroyed.

Then came the telling moment. One of the new hires finally said, "You asked us for our thoughts, but every time one of us says something, you immediately shut it down." It was a brave thing for a young employee to say to a CEO. The response was equally revealing.

"I've heard yours plenty."

Oops. Game over. Whether he realized it or not, the meeting had just changed.

Many leaders equate giving people time to talk with being open to learning from what they say. Those are not the same thing. Conversation is giving people an opportunity to speak. Listening is allowing what they say to compete with your current understanding. Learning is being willing to leave the conversation with a different understanding than the one you brought in.

Three very different skills.

Many leaders equate giving people time to talk with being open to learning from what they say. Those are not the same thing.

As the meeting wore on the submission was obvious. The new hires—each with legitimate concerns— began qualifying their comments, leading with what they knew the CEO wanted to hear.

"We know we were wrong."

"We're not making excuses."

"I apologize..."

Candor was replaced with self-protection. And little benefit came of the time investment.

Over time, organizations quietly teach people which truths are safe to tell. It happens one conversation at a time. Every explanation that is dismissed, every concern that is ignored, every difficult truth that is met with defensiveness teaches people the same lesson: some truths are welcome, others are expensive. Or even worse, “if they want our opinion, they will give it to us.”

Over time, organizations quietly teach people which truths are safe to tell. It happens one conversation at a time.

Years ago, I wrote about the film Brubaker. In it, Robert Redford's character—the new warden— enters the prison as an inmate because he understands something many leaders miss: leaders are lied to. He went to extraordinary lengths to see the truth because he knew people lie to leaders and he would not get the truth as the “new warden.” He would only see how the inmates felt if he walked in their shoes.

Leaders are lied to. But people don't usually begin by lying to leaders. They are carefully taught. Then they edit themselves; then they become cautious; then they become silent. And then, the leader concludes that no one has anything important to say. A grand illusion.

The real challenge of leadership isn't getting people to talk. It's creating the conditions where what they say has a genuine chance of changing what you think.

The real challenge of leadership isn't getting people to talk. It's creating the conditions where what they say has a genuine chance of changing what you think.

Can people speak truth to your power? Is 3D (defend, deny, destroy) common? Are you willing to leave the conversation with a different understanding than the one you brought in?

When is your next meeting?