Say Less Later

New leaders, leaders in new positions, (and sadly, all leaders at one point or another) lose sight of one very powerful element. The element of silence. As a young leader in my 20s I was asked to speak before the board. My presentation was fine. The question-and-answer period, not so much. I spoke too passionately, too brusquely, and too long. My boss, a mature, powerful, 60-year-old sage was clearly disappointed. To get to the parking lot afterwards, we walked down a very long hallway with the click of her heels on the tile the only sound. That walk seemed to take 20 minutes. I was waiting for her feedback (a well-deserved criticism or rebuke) the entire time. We finally got to the parking lot. Before turning to her car, she slowly inhaled as I prepared myself to hear what I deserved to hear. “Mark,” she said, “my advice is this: don’t say exactly what you think exactly when you think it.”

Don’t say exactly what you think exactly when you think it.

She was brilliant, she knew me well, and she gave me a lesson that I would return to for decades. The silence of that long walk gave me time to reflect on my actions and to prepare myself to better accept the wisdom she would deliver. Had I emulated that silence or the pithiness of her wisdom, I would not have been in this position in the first place. It took me decades to fully understand and utilize that wisdom.

In hard conversations, it is very common to talk much and listen little--especially when we are in a position of power. Yet Mark Twain's advice, “it is better to keep your mouth shut and be thought a fool than to open it and remove all doubt,” is a fun way to remember that silence is powerful.

Miles Davis realized this when playing alongside Charlie Parker. Charlie could fill up every measure with dozens of notes. Miles would follow him but, in his solos, would often let several measures pass between notes. Miles understood that he had the right to remain silent and that there was power in that silence. (One of the greatest jazz albums of all time, Kind of Blue, proves this point again and again—it’s worth a listen.)

Information is power. If you talk and never listen, you give away power while gaining none.

Information is power. If you talk and never listen, you give away power while gaining none. You have the right to remain silent. When you do, people impute wisdom to your silence (something they will impute less often to your words.)

German Chancellor Angela Merkel was famous for this. She would often pause at length before an answer to gather her thoughts. Merkel was known for her deliberate, even hesitant speaking style. She rarely rushed answers, sometimes giving the impression she was deep in thought. But this wasn’t indecision — it was calculation. By never rushing, she avoided traps and misinterpretations. She would often say less than she knew. This let her surprise people with results later, making her appear even more competent and reliable. She let others speak first. In negotiations (where leaders often grandstand), Merkel was famous for listening more than talking. She would let others exhaust themselves in debate, then calmly offer compromises or decisions when everyone else was tired.

Some key points to try out:

·      Realize you learn more by listening than talking.

·      Don’t say everything you know about the subject at once.

·      Don’t say exactly what you think exactly when you think it.

·      Pause. You have the right to remain silent.

·      Listen first. Say less and say it later.

Say less later is sage advice—especially when in a new position. Instead of focusing on what brilliant words you might use, demonstrate your listening skills. Make people feel heard. Strive to be more interested than interesting.

You got this.

Those that work regularly with me know how much I value your time. These blog posts are intentionally short—3 minutes or less—because I know how busy the life of an executive can be. For greater detail, simply bring any blog post to our next “sacred hour” if we see each other regularly. If not, feel free to email me at mark@tdleaders.com to discuss.